After writing this post and sitting on it a couple weeks, I still struggle with posting this. It is dark, but it is honest. TanJu strives to be authentic, and authenticity means that we have to acknowledge the dark moments. What I do know is that God is SO good, and His way is better than mine. I struggle with my pride and the fact that so often I think my way is better than his. There is amazing peace in that knowledge.
It is funny to think a writer would write about writer’s block… or writer’s CRAMP as I like to call it. TanJu has been fairly quiet, and I know that it is largely due to me and my cramp. I do not like to call it and I have made it no secret that I battle some pretty heavy anxiety at times. It usually hits after a period of great stress, and then overwhelms me like a dark cloud filling a tiny room. My mind runs a million miles a minute, and my body is affected quickly. People who do not fight depression or anxiety do not understand how something invisible can overtake you. Julie and I have had long discussions about this topic as she is one of those “normal” people. She openly admits that she does not understand why I cannot just snap out of it sometimes. I do not understand either actually. I just know that no matter how much I purpose that it will not happen, it does.
Well, I am just coming out of one of those times – A time of overwhelming mind spinning that overtakes my life. I cannot seem to write and be uplifting or funny or quirky or anything during these times. I have a cramp.
When people look at me , so often they think that I am adept at keeping all the whirling balls in the air. They think that I can handle the circus that I call life with resolution and mirth, and I do… most days. Then suddenly all the balls whack me in the face. I pick up the balls, put them back in motion, then I fall apart. Sounds healthy doesn’t it? Hey, at least now that I am thirty nine, I have figured this out!
While I am fighting this, writing comes all too slowly. Everything I want to write would not be edifying or glorifying in anyway. I try to fill my mind with scripture and dwell on how blessed that I truly am, and I wait to snap out of it. I want to be honest and write about it, because I know that I am not alone in this struggle. It is a lonely place to be as a Christian. We want to pretend that it does not exist because if we ignore it, it will just go away.
I thought I would share somethings that I think we the people who battle this would like you to know.
We wish we could snap out of it too
You are not the only one wishing that I would just go back to normal. I hate it too. I want to stop the racing mind and the churning intestines and the twitchy eye. I want to stop the affects that it has on those around me. I hate when my kids ask why I don’t look happy. I don’t want to be in this anymore than you want me to be.
Anxiety does not make me a bad Christian
I like to focus on scripture and the goodness of God when I am in the moment. It helps. It helps on ANY DAY, but even more on days like this. The most difficult verse in the Bible for me is Philippians 4:6-7. This verse lives in the forefront of my mind challenging me. Please do not assume that because I am overwhelmed with this dark cloud that I am not in scripture seeking God’s face. Frankly that is when I cry out the most. I fully trust Him and His sovereignty, and that means I know that He is sovereign and allowing me face this in my life.
Anger and Frustration does not help
Getting upset with me just makes things worse. When I know someone is upset with me, it just gives me another plate to keep spinning. I worry about hurting them or all the ways that I disappointed them or something else that my mind dredges up. This goes along with the first thing, I don’t want to be like this either, please do not add fuel to the fire.
What I need now is Encouragement and Help and PRAYER
Now is the time that I need to be reminded that I am not a total failure in every area of my life. My mind is whirling with all my shortcomings, and I need to know that you do not support all the accusations my own mind is making at me. When in this state of mind, I remember every joke, comment, or insinuation that I have heard about me and it is all clamoring for top billing. I need to be reminded that I am more than my failures, and that I am worthy of love and acceptance. I need a quiet hand with the things that are overwhelming and not a loud reminder that I am being overwhelmed by them. I need to be prayed with and prayed for. (Not a “Fix her” flare prayer either – That would help as much as the anger and frustration) It helps to know that you are surrounded by people that love you and love you enough to walk with you through this instead of waiting impatiently on the other side.
If you struggle like I do, remember God is good, ALL THE TIME! If you love someone who struggles with this, remember God is good, ALL THE TIME! We all have to have to show the mercy and grace that is so freely given to us. I am so thankful that I serve a GOOD God. I serve a LOVING God. I serve a PATIENT God. If He was not patient with me, I would have been a pile of smoldering brimstone a long time ago.